Portrait of an Overthinker

Four enter and sit at a table. Each represents a part of the mind. 

REASON: (placing a binder with documents on the table) Good morning everybody. 

EMOTION: Oh god, he’s got the binder, please, reason, I can’t take another decision, why are we here?

MORALITY: What is “here,” emotion? Are we even anywhere?

INSTINCT: I just know this is for some ridiculous reason.

REASON: We have been summoned to determine what variety of sandwich to eat for lunch.

INSTINCT: I knew it.

EMOTION: Variety... what is “variety”?

MORALITY: What is variety? 

EMOTION: No, I meant the definition—

REASON: Variety means type.

INSTINCT: Look, all I’ll say is let’s stay away from the chicken in the fridge, I don’t feel good about it.

EMOTION: Oh my god. It has salmonella, doesn’t it. 

Music starts.

REASON: It does not have salmonella.

EMOTION: We could die!

REASON: It does not have salmonella!

EMOTION: How do you know that, reason?

REASON: There’s no veracity to that at all. We need to concentrate...

Reason looks over. Emotion is confused.

EMOTION: What is “veracity”?

MORALITY: Exactly. What is veracity?

EMOTION: No, not that way—

REASON: It means accuracy. Look, we need an efficient sandwich that contains all the necessary meal nutrients.

INSTINCT: I don’t know about this nutrition stuff. Healthy, unhealthy... I don’t feel too good about it.

REASON: What do you mean?

INSTINCT: Just these scientists, like, deciding... ehh.

Reason stares at instinct, emphatically confused. Instinct nods.

MORALITY: Look at you, a rebel against authority. A sole light in the darkness, in the endless river of sheep—

REASON: Okay, I made reports on the eight possible sandwich choices we have.

Reason slams a couple documents onto the table and spreads them out. Each has a photo of a sandwich with details about that type of sandwich.

We’ve eliminated the chicken, now we need to get rid of six more. I suggest peanut butter be removed.

EMOTION: (on the verge of tears) But I love peanut butter!

REASON: Okay! Then we won’t remove peanut butter.

INSTINCT: They say peanut butter is unhealthy, though.

EMOTION: (shocked) Unhealthy? We could die!

REASON: You just said you don’t agree with nutrition science.

INSTINCT: Yeah, but I have a feeling peanut butter is actually unhealthy.

EMOTION: Does it have salmonella?

Pause. Reason thinks.

REASON: Yes, it has salmonella.

EMOTION: (extremely afraid, gasps) SALMONELLA? WE COULD DIE!

INSTINCT: I think we should get rid of it.

REASON: Okay, it’s done. We have six left.

EMOTION: (on the verge of tears) Oh, there’s still so many—

INSTINCT: It’ll be fine, emotion, I mean, what is left?

MORALITY: What is left? 

INSTINCT: There can’t be a ton of possible sandwiches.

MORALITY: What is left?

EMOTION: Reason will make this so complicated.

INSTINCT: I bet you’re right.

MORALITY: What is right?

REASON: Well, also in my consideration I included... toppings.

INSTINCT: This conversation will collapse.

EMOTION: (gasps) Toppings?! I can’t handle those, oh, the layers! Ham first? Cheese first?

REASON: No, I just mean in the sense that if we put avocado in our BLT, that makes it a BLAT.

INSTINCT: We’ll be fine, I trust my gut.

EMOTION: Oh my gosh, our gut! What about our gut health!

REASON: Our gut is fine.

EMOTION: Should we take a pomegranate shot?

REASON: Our gut is fine!

EMOTION: (on phone, googling) We need dietary fiber!

REASON: OUR GUT IS FINE! What is your problem?

MORALITY: What is your problem?

EMOTION: (showing phone) Our gut needs to be healthy. We could die!

REASON: Okay, well, we’ll make sure the sandwich has...

EMOTION: Dietary fibre—

REASON: —Dietary fibre in it.

MORALITY: What is your problem?

INSTINCT: I feel like grilled cheeses have fibre.

REASON: Okay, so grilled cheese.

EMOTION: (googling) I’ll look that up, instinct.

REASON: And are we putting bacon in the cheese?

INSTINCT: Sounds good to me.

MORALITY: But what is the right thing to do, gentlemen?

REASON: ...it’s a sandwich—

EMOTION: (looking at phone) I don’t know if grilled cheeses have dietary fiber—

REASON: Emotion, just listen to instinct, he’s always right.

INSTINCT: Look, my gut tells me—

EMOTION: Well, what if you didn’t have a gut?

REASON: Emotion.

EMOTION: That’s what happens when you don’t get enough dietary FUCKING fiber!

REASON: We have one left, let’s just vote on the grilled cheese.

INSTINCT: So, instead of eliminating five, we just choose one out of six?

REASON: Yes, exactly, so let’s put it to a vote.

MORALITY: Democracy.

REASON: See, morality understands.

Reason flips over the grilled cheese paper, and swats away the rest.

INSTINCT: I’m onboard.

REASON: This is the report for grilled cheese, I just need you all to sign—

EMOTION: (showing his phone to instinct) But look, instinct, google says grilled cheese doesn’t have dietary fiber.

INSTINCT: Oh, that’s interesting.

REASON: No, guys, we’re already deciding.

INSTINCT: I don’t know, reason, maybe I was wrong.

REASON: No, instinct, we’re signing right now.

INSTINCT: Maybe... my gut feeling was wrong!

MORALITY: Beautiful vulnerability.

EMOTION: This is what I was saying!

REASON: NO! GUYS! STOP! SIGN THE PAPER!

INSTINCT: Maybe we should reconsider the chicken sandwich.

REASON: NO. WE HAVE ONE LEFT, GRILLED CHEESE? DO WE WANT THAT?

Emotion raises his index finger. This is make-or-break.

EMOTION: Does it have salmonella?

REASON: ...NO! OF COURSE IT DOESN’T HAVE SALMONELLA! NONE OF THESE DO! JUST PICK A SANDWICH FOR GOD’S SAKE!

EMOTION: None of them have salmonella?

REASON: OF COURSE! OF COURSE NONE OF THEM HAVE SALMONELLA! I JUST NEED YOU GUYS TO PICK A SANDWICH! ANY OF THE FUCKING SANDWICHES I LISTED!

EMOTION: (panicking) ...what is salmonella?

REASON: (head in his hands) Oh my god.

MORALITY: What is salmonella?

REASON: Stop, you idiot—

INSTINCT: I knew this would collapse.

MORALITY: What is salmonella?

BLACK.